Finding Balance

Dear Harrison and Atticus,

We have been a family of four now for five weeks. We are still finding our groove…

We took our first day trip to Chattanooga.  We arrived just in time for lunch.  Afterwards we headed straight for the Aquarium.  The first exhibit was the highlight.  Harrison, you loved the running water and the otters.  Throughout the River Experience you loved watching the ducks dive and swim.  There was also a butterfly exhibit.  You watched them fly around but more interested in picking the flowers.  

We relaxed with a treat and a break from the carrier for Atticus before heading back home.  You both were so great.  The quick trip was much needed and I cannot wait to take you back to Chattanooga again when your Uncle Matthew and Aunt Jenny are in town. 

As your Dad and I continue to find balance in our parenting roles, I am left thinking what I really want out of our lives and the parent I want to be. Your life is not about what I may have hoped for myself or pushing on you things I like. The goal I have is to raise two kind, good, honest, loving little boys. To instill in you good values and morals. To teach you about responsibility and how hard work pays off. To expose you to various activities to make you well-rounded individuals. To explore the world with you and have fun along the way. I am so honored I was chosen to be your Momma. I pray every night I can be the best for you.

I love you,
Momma

Atticus Knox - A Birth Story

Dear Atticus,

Your arrival into this world was much anticipated…I was asked daily from the first week of May if there was any change or if you had arrived yet.  People were just hanging around waiting for you but no one wanted you to be here more than I did.

On May 16 contractions started around 11am and continued until I called my doctor at 6pm.  They had been consistently 4-5 minutes apart for over an hour.  She had me to come on into the hospital.  When we first arrived I was checked for dilation and I was only 1 cm.  They hooked me up to a monitor and we were watched for a few hours.  My contractions got as close as 3 minutes apart and then tapered off and I was sent home.

On May 19 (your official due date) I had a weekly appointment with my doctor.  No progression.  I was to go back on May 22.  Every afternoon we were walking.  I was eating eggplant.  Trying things to get you moving.  May 22 arrived and contractions were just here and there.  Again no progression at my visit.  I cried sitting on the exam table because I was afraid of what the next plan of action was.  I left with the plan that I was to call my doctor's personal cell phone if anything changed over the weekend and we to go back on Tuesday as Monday was a holiday.  If no change then we would schedule a Cesarean.

During this entire week your brother was sick and home with me with a high fever.  I had given up on you coming naturally into this world and we focused on caring for Harrison.  He was beginning to get well and Grand took him to her house for a couple of nights so I could get some good rest.  On the morning of May 24, Harrison had been fever free for over 24 hours.  I slept in and your Dad and I went for a late breakfast at Cracker Barrel before our weekly grocery shopping before picking him up.  While we were out my contractions started to become consistent again.  The pain was different this time.  Each contraction ended in my back.  We continued on and did our grocery shopping as I timed each contraction.  After we got back home I waited another 30 minutes before calling my doctor.  Once I called her she asked me to wait another hour and if they continued to go on into the hospital.  We did not go get Harrison and Brooke came over to take a last picture before my belly was gone.  We went for a walk as the contractions continued.  My anxiety was beginning to rise.  I knew if I made the choice to go into the hospital there was no leaving.  One way or another you were being born.

I finally made the decision to go to the hospital around 330pm.  After all the initial checks were made and we were monitored for awhile, the doctor on call came into see me.  Alas, no change.  I was still 1 cm.  Her suggestions were to either continue to watch me, break my water, or go in for a c-section.  Your Dad and I discussed the options and I knew in my heart I wanted to try any natural method to have you so I decided to have my water broken.  This happened at 630pm.  Now we did more waiting to see what my body would do.  Your Dad and I watched the remaining 3 episodes of Breaking Bad and then tried to rest.  At 1am the nurse came into to check me and I was still 1 cm.  At the doctor's suggestion I was requested to take Pitocin.  I did not really want it but decided to try it as it is meant to increase the pattern of contractions.  During the next few hours my contraction pain increased, my blood pressure dropped and I got very nauseous.  The only few moments of calm were when your Dad took my hand and rubbed my pressure points.  Around 4am the nurse came in again and told me that she thought that I needed to up the dose of Pitocin as she did not think I was progressing enough.  I declined and decided to just wait on the doctor to come in again before her 5am c-section.  Around 445am the doctor came in.  She gave me 2 options - to amp up my Pitocin or prep me for a c-section.  As much as I wanted a natural birth, I knew adding more Pitocin into my system would throw that out the window and after 12 hours of being in the hospital with no change I decided it was time we meet.  I text Grand and Brooke as they had been waiting for any news.  Brooke came on immediately to photograph our meeting and I asked Grand to take care of Harrison and come over to the hospital around 10am.  As we waited I got more and more nervous and contractions were still coming on strong which made it difficult to focus on what was about to happen.  I was taken back to be prepped at 650am.

Once everything was ready, the doctor came in and your Dad was allowed to be beside me.  The moment I had waited 40 weeks and 6 days for was about to happen.  My last baby coming into the world.  Months of worry if I was ready for this.  If I would be able to love you like I love your brother. If you would fit into our family.  If your Dad and Harrison would accept you.  If others would love you like they have come to love Harrison.  And then the greatest moment happened - the doctor began singing "Happy Birthday to you…" and the tiniest cry filled the room.  Tears streamed down my face and in that moment all of my fears and worry were gone.

There was no doubt of my love for you.  I am a mother again.

A mother to a perfect little boy…

I love you,
Momma

Father's Day

Dear Lee,

Last year we were cruising in EV for the first time and celebrating your first Father's Day…

Who knew by the time your second Father's Day came you would have two sons.  Two boys to rough house with, to skip rocks with, to read all the books you love with, to teach all about music, to impart your wisdom onto, and to look up to you like there is no other in the world like you.  The list of what you will enrich their life with goes on and on.  They are so very lucky to call you their father.

Always,
Candace

Dear Harrison,

I am missing you so very much.  I have another week until I should begin picking you up again.  I am struggling.  I knew my recovery would be hard but I never knew it would be this hard.  I've given you a few baths this week and have had some more "Harrison time".  We took you to watch the Smyrna Air Show with friends and you loved the airplanes!!  I did pick you up a few times and it has made me sore so I better listen and rest up for when I can properly take care of you.

Through all of this our routine has been inconsistent and I hope soon you will have consistency back into your life.  You are growing and changing but you are still little and a routine is so important.    I miss you wanting to read books at bedtime and you falling asleep in my arms. This may sound simple but it is very dear to me.  You are my little heart and soul.  I love you so much.

Dear Atticus,

Your Grand and I took you to my 2 week check up and shopping this week.  You didn't make a peep the entire day.  I am doing well from a healing stand point.  I can drive now but my weight restrictions remain and I cannot get in water until after a full 6 weeks.  You and I are a pair.  You cannot be in the sun and I cannot be in the water.  It is not fun as this is my favorite time of the year - lounging in the pool, going to the lake and visiting the beach.  Next year we can do what we love…until then I'll be caring for you my little bird.  You have ramped up your eating and your protest when I am making you wait to be fed.  You adapt more and more to a routine everyday.  I love you my sweet baby.

Love,

Your Momma

Turning 35

Dear Atticus,

Happy two weeks of life my little bird.  You made it into the world just in time to celebrate my birthday and share the Gemini sign with me.  We already connect in a way I cannot describe.  We are kindred hearts.  

Dear Harrison,

Never could I have imagined what turning 35 would look like but my sweet boy you make this age look oh so good.  Everyday is a new and exciting.  You are pushing your boundaries and challenging us but that is part of this journey and one that we will be continually growing from together.

Dear Lee,

Another birthday, another year you have brightened my world.  I have been reminiscing about where we were just 5 years ago, celebrating in Ireland together.  A simple time in our first year of marriage.  It has been such a ride since then.  Looking back on our memories is wonderful, but dreaming of the future we hope to give our family is just as exciting. Thank you for loving me and finding ways time and time again to make me feel special.   I am so lucky to have you by my side.

Always,
Candace

Atticus Knox - 1 Week

Dear Atticus,

You are one week old today.

We spent the last two days with some time with my best friend and your Aunt BK.  Brooke is one of the best professional photographers in Nashville, TN and her niche is newborns.  She had her way with you and you were a little dream…

We took some family shots even if your Dad and Harrison protested at times they will be images I cherish for a lifetime.

Brooke did her magic and I am blown away.  Speechless by the perfect little baby boy captured in them.

My great-great grandmother made this quilt.

I love you my little bird.  I am so proud to be your Momma.

**More images by Brooke Kelly can be found here.**

The Beginning

**Welcome to our family blog.  I look forward to sharing glimpses into our lives with letters to my boys.**

Dear Lee,

Well we've done it…we have our family.  I cannot believe the little lives we have created.  I know with the hustle and bustle of having a toddler and a newborn there has not been much time to say thank you, to reflect on the amazing life we have, to pause for us.  You are a wonderful husband, father, provider, and caregiver.  You are my best friend and I am beyond lucky you are mine.  I love our life.  I love our sons.  I love you.

Always,
Candace

Dear Harrison,

It has been 5 days since Atticus's arrival into our lives.  You met on his second day of life.  You came to the hospital dressed in your Superman tee looking so handsome.  You walked into my room all alone holding a single yellow rose.  You had a smile on your face and brought it over to me saying "flower" Then I think it hit you something was different about me.  Your Dad picked you up to see me and you did not want to.  I did cry as I hoped you would be happy to see me but I know it was a different place and I was not myself.  Then you wanted to leave.  We then welcomed into the room Grand, Glenn, Philip, Ian and Averie and soon you were yourself.  You checked out your new brother and gave me a kiss and sat with me a few different times.  We took a walk around the unit and I felt so much better about your visit.

We are home now and it is going to be an adjustment for you.  The hardest part of this is not being able to care for you and pick you up.  Everyday is different and you have had some very sweet moments with Atticus.  You helped me feed him the first night.  You came into his room to sit next to me the first morning.  You like to touch his hands, nose, and eyes.  You peek in on him in his crib and watch when he is having a diaper change.  Slowly your bond will grow and it is comforting to know that neither of your will have a memory that does not include the other.

I love you my sweet boy.  You are changing so much everyday.  Your vocabulary is increasing.  You love to say "waTer", dirt, oh-no, basketball, outside, horse (which sounds like b-ouse) You say NO more than anything which I am not a fan of but you are testing the boundaries and this is part of growing up.

Dear Atticus,

Welcome to the world my little bird!  You are such a dreamy baby.  I am smitten as I knew would happen but I had to hold you in my arms before that love was real.  We have had some great time just you and I.  We snuggled in my hospital bed just listening to each other breathe.  We danced watching the sunset and I sang to you.  You are the best snuggler.  You fit perfectly into that crook in my neck.  You were born to fit there.  You were born to take a piece of my heart that was reserved just for you.

Since being home we are just getting into our routine.  You are increasing your intake of formula everyday and sleeping wonderfully.  Adjustments will continue to happen and transitions are apart of this ride but I am trying to take in every moment I can.  You are my last baby and I never want to forget what this feels like.  I am not a past dweller and the present and future is my main focus. Seeing you and Harrison having an amazing life is most important but as your Momma I want to imprint my mind with these first precious memories.  Thank you for blessing our lives.  I am so over the moon that we are now a family of four.  Exactly as it is supposed to be.  Me and my boys.

Love,

Your Momma

**More from Atticus's birth and Harrison and Atticus's meeting can be found here.**