Harrison - Almost Two

Dear Harrison,

Happy last month of being ONE!

Although babyhood is over, this is a fun age. You can speak and walk and feed yourself. You have a little personality. You own the hearts of the people you meet. Your best friend is your Dad. I do not like nicknames or shortened versions of your name and your Dad likes to call you "Boogers" and only he is allowed to call you that. You tolerate your brother. You mostly like to sit or lay in whatever he is. You also like to "honk" his nose. You like trucks, balls, and farm animals. You still love your books. When you learn a new word you say it over and over. Your favorite playmate is Averie. You would eat 5 bananas a day if I would let you.

Our summer has just really begun because I could not get in the water. You have been in Grand's pool a few times and we will take you to the lake sometime soon. You have water day every Wednesday at school and have the best farmers tan. It is adorable like you are.

I would like to do some fun things this entire month for your birthday. Hopefully I can make that happen because I want to give you the world.

I love you,

Your Momma

Hospitals, fireworks and a superhero

Dear Atticus,

Where to begin my little bird...

On Monday evening at 530pm, your Dad was finishing feeding you your bottle and thought you felt warm. I did not think so you always feel hot.  You went to sleep after that and we continued our night of bath time and bed time with Harrison.  At 830pm I heard you stir and wanted to put you in your pajamas for the night.  When I took off your clothes you protested and your torso area was so hot.  I took your temperature and it was 102.  I found my information from your pediatrician and it said any temp under the age of 3 months to call immedately.  So I did and the answering service would have a nurse call me.  We received a call back in 2 minutes.  They verified your name and mine and said to go to the emergency room ASAP.  We arrived at our local hospital at 9pm.  Since I did not know what to expect your Dad stayed home and put Harrison to bed like normal and your Grand met me at the hospital.  We were seen within 20 minutes and the doctor was in and giving the standard checks for a high fever in a newborn.  First they did a chest X-ray then they put in an IV to start antibiotics and drew blood.

After 5 attempts they got one in.  I am so thankful you will never remember that or any of this experience.  After the second attempt I could not even talk to you to comfort you.  There really was no comforting since you were being used as a pin cushion.  Once it was in the next was a lumbar puncture to retrieve spinal fluid.  The doctor performed this and at first your fluid was clear and he was happy and by the third vial he could see what he thought was white blood cells and was concerned.  He told us you would have to be admitted to the hospital and would be transferred to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital.  We waited on the doctor to check out all of your initial tests and we were able to provide a urine sample without a catheter.  There was no way I was going to make you go through that unless it was necessary.  Soon the EMTs were there with the stretcher to strap you onto it and the doctor confirmed his diagnosis of meningitis.  At that time he hoped viral but your CNF and blood must be left in a petri dish and watched for growth as this would confirm whether your meningitis was bacterial.  By 1am we were on our way…

All of your Aunts were all alerted to the happenings and Lauren was working the night we were transported.  She is a nurse in the NICU so you were not her patient but she kept an eye out for us.  During the transfer Grand went to our house to be with Harrison and your Dad met us at Vandy.  We arrived by 130am and immediately you were wheeled into a room with 5 nurses and 2 doctors.  Your temp was 101.7 and they gave you Tylenol.  The EMT gave his report and the doctors began asking me lots of questions.  Every person that came in asked me the same series of questions about your condition.  After they all left us, Lauren came in to see us.  It was a relief to see her and have a hug from someone that cares about us.  Your Dad was not far behind and we then were met with 2 doctors that would be on the floor of the hospital we would be sent to.  You ate and tried to rest during this time.  We were in our room by 330am.  We attempted to rest and your doctor team would be in during morning rounds for a treatment plan.  The plan at that time was to continue antibiotics and monitor you while we waited on the CNF culture results.  They were not committing to any diagnosis yet.

We spent the next two days giving updates and receiving a huge outpour of love and prayers from all over.  News travelled fast and we are so blessed with the village of friends in our lives that offered food, clothes, prayers, hugs, etc.  It was completely overwhelming.  The entire experience was and has changed my perspective on many things I find myself stressing over.  We would walk the halls at the hospital and hear words like cancer and see little ones crying in a room all alone day and night.  We are beyond lucky to have two healthy little boys and things like a bad nights sleep or a minor tantrum are the common woes of a parent.  I hope and pray we are never faced with what we saw over our stay at Vandy.  I will happily be awaken by your cries or your brother's kicks beside me in bed because that means you are alive and well.  

We received the good news on Thursday morning that you could go home and in fact you had viral meningitis.  Your poor little body had a rough couple of days but you were fever free and we just were going to continue to give you TLC at home.  We are so happy to be home again with Harrison and continue with life.  You have been resting and eating like crazy.  You received a clean bill of health at your follow up with your pediatrician and we will now just be more mindful of hand washing and keeping your brother away from your face and hands.  

Our 4th of July was spent with friends by the pool and it was the best time.  I cannot wait for next year when you can join us all in the water and watch the fireworks show your Dad and the guys put on.  They did a super job. I was in and out of the house during that time because Harrison was scared. Thankfully they did not disrupt your rest.

I am overjoyed you are home and well. You gave me such a scare. My life would be shattered if something happened to you. You are a little superhero.

I love you,

Momma

Finding Balance

Dear Harrison and Atticus,

We have been a family of four now for five weeks. We are still finding our groove…

We took our first day trip to Chattanooga.  We arrived just in time for lunch.  Afterwards we headed straight for the Aquarium.  The first exhibit was the highlight.  Harrison, you loved the running water and the otters.  Throughout the River Experience you loved watching the ducks dive and swim.  There was also a butterfly exhibit.  You watched them fly around but more interested in picking the flowers.  

We relaxed with a treat and a break from the carrier for Atticus before heading back home.  You both were so great.  The quick trip was much needed and I cannot wait to take you back to Chattanooga again when your Uncle Matthew and Aunt Jenny are in town. 

As your Dad and I continue to find balance in our parenting roles, I am left thinking what I really want out of our lives and the parent I want to be. Your life is not about what I may have hoped for myself or pushing on you things I like. The goal I have is to raise two kind, good, honest, loving little boys. To instill in you good values and morals. To teach you about responsibility and how hard work pays off. To expose you to various activities to make you well-rounded individuals. To explore the world with you and have fun along the way. I am so honored I was chosen to be your Momma. I pray every night I can be the best for you.

I love you,
Momma

Atticus Knox - A Birth Story

Dear Atticus,

Your arrival into this world was much anticipated…I was asked daily from the first week of May if there was any change or if you had arrived yet.  People were just hanging around waiting for you but no one wanted you to be here more than I did.

On May 16 contractions started around 11am and continued until I called my doctor at 6pm.  They had been consistently 4-5 minutes apart for over an hour.  She had me to come on into the hospital.  When we first arrived I was checked for dilation and I was only 1 cm.  They hooked me up to a monitor and we were watched for a few hours.  My contractions got as close as 3 minutes apart and then tapered off and I was sent home.

On May 19 (your official due date) I had a weekly appointment with my doctor.  No progression.  I was to go back on May 22.  Every afternoon we were walking.  I was eating eggplant.  Trying things to get you moving.  May 22 arrived and contractions were just here and there.  Again no progression at my visit.  I cried sitting on the exam table because I was afraid of what the next plan of action was.  I left with the plan that I was to call my doctor's personal cell phone if anything changed over the weekend and we to go back on Tuesday as Monday was a holiday.  If no change then we would schedule a Cesarean.

During this entire week your brother was sick and home with me with a high fever.  I had given up on you coming naturally into this world and we focused on caring for Harrison.  He was beginning to get well and Grand took him to her house for a couple of nights so I could get some good rest.  On the morning of May 24, Harrison had been fever free for over 24 hours.  I slept in and your Dad and I went for a late breakfast at Cracker Barrel before our weekly grocery shopping before picking him up.  While we were out my contractions started to become consistent again.  The pain was different this time.  Each contraction ended in my back.  We continued on and did our grocery shopping as I timed each contraction.  After we got back home I waited another 30 minutes before calling my doctor.  Once I called her she asked me to wait another hour and if they continued to go on into the hospital.  We did not go get Harrison and Brooke came over to take a last picture before my belly was gone.  We went for a walk as the contractions continued.  My anxiety was beginning to rise.  I knew if I made the choice to go into the hospital there was no leaving.  One way or another you were being born.

I finally made the decision to go to the hospital around 330pm.  After all the initial checks were made and we were monitored for awhile, the doctor on call came into see me.  Alas, no change.  I was still 1 cm.  Her suggestions were to either continue to watch me, break my water, or go in for a c-section.  Your Dad and I discussed the options and I knew in my heart I wanted to try any natural method to have you so I decided to have my water broken.  This happened at 630pm.  Now we did more waiting to see what my body would do.  Your Dad and I watched the remaining 3 episodes of Breaking Bad and then tried to rest.  At 1am the nurse came into to check me and I was still 1 cm.  At the doctor's suggestion I was requested to take Pitocin.  I did not really want it but decided to try it as it is meant to increase the pattern of contractions.  During the next few hours my contraction pain increased, my blood pressure dropped and I got very nauseous.  The only few moments of calm were when your Dad took my hand and rubbed my pressure points.  Around 4am the nurse came in again and told me that she thought that I needed to up the dose of Pitocin as she did not think I was progressing enough.  I declined and decided to just wait on the doctor to come in again before her 5am c-section.  Around 445am the doctor came in.  She gave me 2 options - to amp up my Pitocin or prep me for a c-section.  As much as I wanted a natural birth, I knew adding more Pitocin into my system would throw that out the window and after 12 hours of being in the hospital with no change I decided it was time we meet.  I text Grand and Brooke as they had been waiting for any news.  Brooke came on immediately to photograph our meeting and I asked Grand to take care of Harrison and come over to the hospital around 10am.  As we waited I got more and more nervous and contractions were still coming on strong which made it difficult to focus on what was about to happen.  I was taken back to be prepped at 650am.

Once everything was ready, the doctor came in and your Dad was allowed to be beside me.  The moment I had waited 40 weeks and 6 days for was about to happen.  My last baby coming into the world.  Months of worry if I was ready for this.  If I would be able to love you like I love your brother. If you would fit into our family.  If your Dad and Harrison would accept you.  If others would love you like they have come to love Harrison.  And then the greatest moment happened - the doctor began singing "Happy Birthday to you…" and the tiniest cry filled the room.  Tears streamed down my face and in that moment all of my fears and worry were gone.

There was no doubt of my love for you.  I am a mother again.

A mother to a perfect little boy…

I love you,
Momma

Father's Day

Dear Lee,

Last year we were cruising in EV for the first time and celebrating your first Father's Day…

Who knew by the time your second Father's Day came you would have two sons.  Two boys to rough house with, to skip rocks with, to read all the books you love with, to teach all about music, to impart your wisdom onto, and to look up to you like there is no other in the world like you.  The list of what you will enrich their life with goes on and on.  They are so very lucky to call you their father.

Always,
Candace

Dear Harrison,

I am missing you so very much.  I have another week until I should begin picking you up again.  I am struggling.  I knew my recovery would be hard but I never knew it would be this hard.  I've given you a few baths this week and have had some more "Harrison time".  We took you to watch the Smyrna Air Show with friends and you loved the airplanes!!  I did pick you up a few times and it has made me sore so I better listen and rest up for when I can properly take care of you.

Through all of this our routine has been inconsistent and I hope soon you will have consistency back into your life.  You are growing and changing but you are still little and a routine is so important.    I miss you wanting to read books at bedtime and you falling asleep in my arms. This may sound simple but it is very dear to me.  You are my little heart and soul.  I love you so much.

Dear Atticus,

Your Grand and I took you to my 2 week check up and shopping this week.  You didn't make a peep the entire day.  I am doing well from a healing stand point.  I can drive now but my weight restrictions remain and I cannot get in water until after a full 6 weeks.  You and I are a pair.  You cannot be in the sun and I cannot be in the water.  It is not fun as this is my favorite time of the year - lounging in the pool, going to the lake and visiting the beach.  Next year we can do what we love…until then I'll be caring for you my little bird.  You have ramped up your eating and your protest when I am making you wait to be fed.  You adapt more and more to a routine everyday.  I love you my sweet baby.

Love,

Your Momma

Turning 35

Dear Atticus,

Happy two weeks of life my little bird.  You made it into the world just in time to celebrate my birthday and share the Gemini sign with me.  We already connect in a way I cannot describe.  We are kindred hearts.  

Dear Harrison,

Never could I have imagined what turning 35 would look like but my sweet boy you make this age look oh so good.  Everyday is a new and exciting.  You are pushing your boundaries and challenging us but that is part of this journey and one that we will be continually growing from together.

Dear Lee,

Another birthday, another year you have brightened my world.  I have been reminiscing about where we were just 5 years ago, celebrating in Ireland together.  A simple time in our first year of marriage.  It has been such a ride since then.  Looking back on our memories is wonderful, but dreaming of the future we hope to give our family is just as exciting. Thank you for loving me and finding ways time and time again to make me feel special.   I am so lucky to have you by my side.

Always,
Candace

Atticus Knox - 1 Week

Dear Atticus,

You are one week old today.

We spent the last two days with some time with my best friend and your Aunt BK.  Brooke is one of the best professional photographers in Nashville, TN and her niche is newborns.  She had her way with you and you were a little dream…

We took some family shots even if your Dad and Harrison protested at times they will be images I cherish for a lifetime.

Brooke did her magic and I am blown away.  Speechless by the perfect little baby boy captured in them.

My great-great grandmother made this quilt.

I love you my little bird.  I am so proud to be your Momma.

**More images by Brooke Kelly can be found here.**